The Attack

I haven't been attacked by the man that loves me so he says for a long time, since 2003 when he bit my nose and choked me.
This time we had the best time ever at a wedding the night before.
We were sitting talking the next day and then I said the wrong thing.
I was mad, so I just went to my room and slammed the door, end of that dumb conversation.
But he ran into the bedroom and started or continued the bull shit, it was his time of the month to explode. He started yelling about me taking a picture of the asshole with one of the cameras that were on the table at the wedding, screaming he said "When I tell you something you better fucken listen to me,
and when I say I do not want to dance to some dumb song, you just better listen to me.
Then attack and squeezed my face with both of these great big hands and smashed my glasses into my face, he also hurt my wrist so bad I thought it was broken.
I just could not believe that he actually did that, I still cannot. I was so scared, how could someone that you have lived with 30 years and professes love ,do such a horrible thing. That was all about control and power over me, the boss.
This is the most horrible time in my whole life. I have been verbally abused, sexually abused, physically abused now one more time. So what does this mean, we are done, I am scared to be around that bastard. I told him to get out but he will not do it. I just don't know any more. Is this my life, for ever.

Am I going to end up dead like so many women do.

Now I could report all this to the police, but would they help??
I just wish he would leave. This is all so stupid isn't it??
Now my life will totally change because of the hundredth flip out , which is not a bad thing for sure.
It is just getting him out with out a big freak out and trouble.

Now I have had to go to the Doctor 3 times, have xrays on my arm since I was sure it was broken, go to get my glasses fixed 4 times and they are still screwed up. All because of some one getting mad over nothing.

I wish he would just leave and I could get a life, I have been alone for many years.

Pray for me and so many other women that live like this year after year.

The Abusive Mentality

His Attitude is "You OWE Me".

He manages to twist everything around so it is "My Fault".

I feel suffocated by his actions, he is trying to run my life.

"Chronic Mistreatment gets people to doubt themselves" She says OH maybe I should have done that or I shouldn't have said that.



Abused women need a counselor

- to regain trust in her self,

- to get her to rely on her own perceptions

- to listen to her own internal voice

- need support & encouragement to hold on to her own self



YOUR abusive partner wants to deny you that experience. He wants to pluck your view of reality out of your head and replace it with his. When someone has invaded your identify in this way enough times, you naturally start to lose your balance. But you can find your way back to "CENTER". If you can get someone to talk to you can trust and has been in a abusive life like I and you.



He is controlling

Decision Making "you are dumb when it comes to Money" he tells me.

Screaming so loud his eyes are bulging out, his vein in his neck are popping out, there is a ugly sneering look on the bastards red face and waging his finger His statement is: I Let you take care of things when we first moved here. I had to take it back cause you were letting things slip.

If his control and authority is slipping, I/he has the right to take steps to reestablish the rule of my will, including abuse.



Personal Freedom;

An abusive man considers it his right to control his partner in regard to:

- to where she goes

- who she associates with family, friends

- what she wears

- when she needs to be home



This control is exercised through wearing me-you down with constant low level Complaints like:

your cooking is not good

you are a lousy mother

house is dirty

you take to long of a shower

you laugh to loud

you are fat

when I speak you interrupt me, screaming now you made me forget what I was going to say.

PICK PICK at everything until I am picked apart and there is nothing left of me



IS THIS MAN OR ANIMAL THINKING DISTORTED. NO SHIT.

A mans partner is not his slave or property and he grants her freedoms.

But his rules make sense to him and he will fight to hang on to those sick rules.

This bastard truley thinks he is right, how sad. This is still my life.
How can I get away, I know he will never quit this behavior, his life is to good.
Just think having your own personal SLAVE.

Because He Can

MYTH: He has a violent, explosive personality. He needs to learn to be less explosive.
Responce: Why and how can he be so nice to other people, but he treats her "the person he LOVES" like dirt.
If this man had a aggressive personality he wouldn't be able to reserve that side of himself just for you.
The sad reality is plenty of gentle sensitive men are viciously and at time violently abusive to there female partners.
The 2 sided nature of the abuser is a mystery.

INTIMIDATION
Men who intimidates people routinely, WATCH OUT, you will be next on his list. At first it may make you feel "safe" to be with a man who frightens people, but not when your turn comes.
AND YOUR TURN WILL COME, MINE DID MORE THAN ONCE.
To keep you scared is to keep there, to keep yu under his control.

RULES OF AN ABUSER
An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unaceptable in short, an abusers core problems is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong. Example may be punching and kicking in the ribs is not OK, but slapping and throwing her against the wall is OK.

Cycle of Abuse

Cycle of Violence has 5 Constants:

1. The cycle has intent!! to re-establish his authority over the partner.
2. The cycle will not stop until he stops it & he can if he wants to.
3. The cycle increases in frequency, intensity and volume.
4. The cycle gets so fast that the hearts and flowers phase disappears.
5. The cycle ends in suicide, homicide or both.

1. Tension building this can be months, days, hours. you will never know.

• Women that live with abuse just know the mood of the house has changed
• Name calling starts
• Nothing is right, I can't cook right, clean right, not even park the car in the right place.
• I feel very disappointed that here we go again
• He is mad about everything, and mad at everybody especially me
• Threatens me, or the kids or the pets, breaks thing,tries to start fights
• Thingifying makes me into a thing so he can yells ugly mean names and screams,he thinks in that sick mind, that those ugly words do not hurt me cause I am a thing
• Mean laughing, snickering, ugly looks with lips curling up so mean like, like they say if look could kill I would have been dead so long ago
• Undermining my parenting, he is the nice guy all of sudden, the friend
• Cheap shotssnears,
• You will have to do the egg shell walk at this time
• He is stomping his feet
• He is right in your face
• Kids are quiet
• I wonder what did I do now to provoke this episode
• Everything in our life is "all about HIM"
• Sometimes it is just better to set him off by pushing the right buttons and get the violence over with, as sick as that sounds, it just is better, cause you know it is coming anyway
• Feelings in the house is scared, nervous, terrified, Me and the Children know the blow up is coming

Are these men in control since they only FLIP out in there home with there FAMILY, you bet they are in control or they would use this behavior at work, in public, with there friends. Which I have seen, then all the friends are mad at him, then the bad thing is I am stuck with him to much.

Have you ever heard BOOZE is why I flip out and hurt you and scream at you, that is also a lie, HE CHOSES TO FLIP OUT. Booze does not cause abuse, his behavior is just not at all normal.

He uses this ugly, contolling behavior when he thinks his needs are no longer being met, he needs you to be good, and do what his says you should do. I have even heard before "Sorry but you should listen to me, and I wouldn't have to do that. Now isn't that the sickest thing you have ever heard.

2. Explosion

• Thingifying - making a thing out of her, easy to call a thing ugly dirty names like fat, lazy b**ch, the c word and on and on it goes
• Emotional and Verbal abuse
• Bringing up old past things for the hundredth time, go on and on
• Physical, pushing, punching, bitting my nose, pulling hair out
• Sexually have to make up now, I hate you now and for every

After that blow up, we are sick about it and questions our relationship with this crazy man, that why in the world am I here with this person that says in one breath that he loves me so much, but turns around and says awful mean, hurtfull words. The only sense it makes to me is his need for Power and Contol over my life. I am his SLAVE, that is bought and paid for in his eyes.

• Very SAD, but TRUE.

Then comes the

3. Honeymoon, Hearts & Flowers

Better known as the "HOOK" this part of the cycle hooks you back in to the relationship. There is false promises, you will have BIG HOPES, that yes he will never do that to me again,

• Believe me I have lived with this for 27 years, and IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN & AGAIN. You will cry so many tears, and become so sad, you will lose you.
• He knows what he needs to do to keep you there-the HOOK.
• He will quit drinking
• There may be TEARS, BEGGING, I will do that again
• His appearance will improve
• He will help around the house
• Wants sex, cause sex heals all
• Says he wants to change
• Poor me - never forget it is all about him

How do I, You feel in the Honeymoon stage??

• Want to believe that he is going to quit this behavior
• Obligated to stay ---Guilt
• Feel tricked when it happens again and it will
• Very Confused and have a broken heart one more time
• Guilt with the kids
• There is the HOOK (promises), lies.

IT is his CYCLE, Not your cycle, NOT your FAULT

3% of men can change if they want to.

Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships???

Why do you or I stay in an abusive relationship?
That is hard to answer sometimes, depends what end of the Cycle of abuse you are at.
Scary to leave, what will he do to you? beat you, kill you,those are real questions you need to ask yourself and be ready with that answer so you can protect yourself and the kids.
How will you live, how about the kids
One Answer would be welfare or try to go to work depending where you are at with the kids.

Society has lots of questions and answers for Abused Women!
Female role is to be loving and nurturing
She should be barefoot and pregnant and do the laundry and cook, clean.
Men make all the decisions
Stand by your man no matter what may come your way.
Take the Good with the Bad.
Religion for some people
2 parent families are the best and a boy needs his Father
Women is blamed for the abuse " She shouldn't have pissed him off
If she was a better wife he would not hurt her
Should be easy to leave, Abusive men can be very loving at times that is how we get "hooked" back into the relationship over and over again for years.
Both men and women deny the violence!
Too hard to deal with all the hurt feelings
Women stick up for the Abuser " he never hit me with his fist, never leaves a mark, I am just scared to death all the time.
Makes excuses for him, Oh he just had a bad day.

LEAVING AN ABUSER
Leaving is not an event it is a process, YOUR PROCESS, that can take a long time or a little bit of time.

SOME FEELINGS WOMEN MAY HAVE ABOUT LEAVING
Push/Pull feelings about leaving
Love /Hate
You may be scared to be alone, but you will have peace
HOPE that he will change, this is very sad, cause he wouldn't cause everything is in his favour. Just think about it "Who has it the best in your relationship"
It sure isn't me!!
Fear - Encourages us to stay
Income for ourselves and children
Threatens to take the kids away from you
Threatens you, kids, your pets
Threatens suicide (His)
Physical violence to hurt or kill you
Never minimize these threats of death, be on guard, he may just do it
Abusers are smart, if you phone the police they are all calm and the nice guy to the police, tells them you are the crazy one. Say she is exaggerating, which is such a lie now isn't it. Scary Bastards heh

Abuser "Who is he mean to and Who Is he Nice To"

Selective who the abuser is nice to, he is so charming to some of my friends and tells me I spend to much time with those people. Since everything is about "Him" you know
Nice to my sisters and there husbands. I have relatives who he goes to visit, and they even say to me what a nice guy he is.

• Nice to my family, acts pretty abuse towards me when my Mom is here.

Imitating me very loudly how I talk, laugh, making snide remarks about how I cook.

• So nice to other women it is sickening and quite a joke.
• Abusers need to control there wife, kids, dogs, but do not control there own ugly, mean, behavior.

Some of the things Abuse use for excuses why they are Abusers:

• Mostly tell there spouse she is the crazy one, you can't take a joke, you are to sensitive and many more lies
• There excuses range from Booze, Drugs, they are mentally ill, Bipolar, quit booze so now you have to live with a dry drunk, since they refuse to get any help, since you are the crazy one, and they are not the alcohlic.
  3% of the population are abusive in Canada.

He or She chooses the ABUSIVE behavior, and to whom he is ABUSIVE too.

Stress and conflict are a normal part of life

No one deserves to be hit, kicked, hurt, screamed at, called ugly names, belittled, told they cannot do anything right, bullied.

Making all kinds of stupid rules, then changing the rules so he can have a little flip out.

So we live in all this crazy making day in and day out. That way your life is off balance and nothing makes sense any more.

You finally buy into all the ugy things he tells you about you, and then you go into isolations, since he told you, you are nothing but a piece of garbage so many times.

YOU BOUGHT IT & STAY HOME, BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN CLEAN THE HOUSE RIGHT, OR COOK RIGHT.

SO WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US, NO SELF ESTEEM.

Don't listen to that asshole, go get showered up, put some nice clothes on, get to hell out, make a plan, so you can escape for him and all those ugly words.

Scariest thing you will ever do, but the happiest moment of your life to get a life again for you and your children.

Women's actions do not deserve to be Abused.

Emotional and Verbal abuse is as bad physical abuse you can see the bruises, with the verbal abuse you can't see the broken hearts.

Let me know how you got out and how HAPPY you are to be FREE.

Marie

Verbal Abuse & Myths of Abuse

The Myths are real in our world, because of media, old beliefs,
What do I think about when we say MYTHs of Abuse
Ideas people have from there beliefs
Generational ideas, handed down from the men in the family or women
Only happens to poor people
Abuse is a private matter
Stays within the family-the isolation,the contol of the abuser
There is no accountablility for the abuser.
What goes on behind closed doors should stay there
No use helping an abused women "she will only go back" people don't know how scary it is leaving a abusive man, how will she pay to take care of the babies.
Self Esteem is beat down, she may have been told for years that she is stupid, she does nothing right, the rules always change,
If I could do things better and right way, he would quit being so mad. "Will never happen""
Children need there Father no matter how abusive the bastard is.
The kids might be upset when you leave, but will be happy when you settle into your new safe life, where you can all smile and laugh!! It is GREAT..

And the worst and saddest thing is, WE have hope that this man we thought we loved, will CHANGE, the man that would take care of us, love us, and we would feel safe with.
Is the man we have to fear every minute of our day, and our beautiful kids have to fear also. How sad is that.

Verbal Abuse

I am not a really Religious Person, I found this and it is so true:
If you are getting your Self Esteen beat down, and you no longer know where "you" went Read This please. Get to hell out before you can't leave.

The Bible clearly warns us about the dangers of an angry man. Proverbs 22:24 says, "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man." And Proverbs 29:22 says, "An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression."

It is not God's will for you to be in a verbally abusive relationship.
""Those angry and critical words will destroy your confidence and self-esteem"" Being submissive in a marriage relationship does not mean allowing yourself to be verbally beaten by your partner.
1 Peter 3:1 does teach that wives, by being submissive to their husbands, may win them to Christ by their behavior. But it does not teach that they must allow themselves to be verbally or physically abused.

Read it more than once, You are better than those ugly words, you do not deserve to be called every dirty name in the book.
Yes you do things the right way, you are a good MOM
Yes you clean the house perfectly,
Yes you are a good cook,
Yes you are not fat,
You have to take care of her" Since she is all SHE has.

And have a good day, don't let him ruin another one of your days, he has made you feel bad about your self to many days.

Living Day to Day with a Control Freak

Isn't some thing to live 30 years with a Abusive person and only the last 10 years I have actually learned so much about Verbal Abuse, controling, manipulation. I also have learned I am his slave. No matter what I do is never good enough.

I am burnt out, he thinks I should work, cook, clean, do the business books, do all the yard work, look perfect, even thought he is gross. And then still be the wonderful sex partner.
And still have the nerve to Critisize

What a joke. and what does he do, F all. Goes cruizing with his losser friends.
Or pretends he is so busy.
My son and I are the slaves, It sits on the couch and that brings more and more anger to me and my son, we both dislike him very much and do not want to do things with him cause he is not fun at all. He is always trying to control, or manipulate things that are good for his need. Never things of others, only what is best for him.
Does this life sound familiar to others.